Inattentive, or "I'll Take What Compliments I Can Get"

"Beth has been tanking a lot lately," my husband told my brother at a Mexican restaurant.

"Really," said my sister-in-law, nomming chips like only an 8-months-pregnant woman can. "That's nice."

"She's actually a good tank."

I scowled at his incredulous tone.

"She keeps aggro, has good pacing, and pays attention. She doesn't even tab out during pulls!"

My brother blinked. "Really? But she always tabs out."

I made a face. "I don't tab out that much, do I?"

All three looked at me and nodded.

"Yes, you do."

"You really do."

"It's okay," said my sympathetic sister-in-law. "I let my tank die the other day while tabbed out looking at baby clothes."

I sighed and accepted the back-handed compliment. I'm an inattentive dps, but at least I can tank. /shrug

NSFW, or "Well, Not Really, But I'm a Prude"

I seriously can't keep this to myself. I think it's hilarious, but it'll probably make my brother feel very awkward, so I'm putting it after the break.

LOL, or "Buy My Guild"

I showed husband the 30 or so mails from Birdfall to my bank alt for materials to disenchant before Cataclysm. I have 3 full guild bank tabs on my bank alt and don't want to spend 1,000g for a fourth just in case they give us account-wide banks in the xpack.

So I started running an alt to Stormwind to use alt banks, since I have some free alt slots on my server.

When I get in there, I see in Trade "Selling guild, 10g."

I whisper "Any bank tabs?"

"Two."

I mentally rub my hands together and offer to buy.

Jerk Babies, or "Little Jerks Growing Up to Be Big and Dumb Just Like Daddy"

Because I have nothing better to post about, and because it was so awful it was funny.

I decided to learn how to tank on my little level 27 warrior. My husband has a 25 warlock, so we grouped up and got immediately into an instance.

First minute in, the mage rolls Need on some Moss Agate and the healer goes nuts. Says we aren't continuing if the guy does it again.

Husband makes verbal calming motions toward the party, suggests the mage might not roll Need on Moss Agate, to which the mage replies "But I'm a jewelcrafter."

Boor, or "More LFG Fun"

A "boor," as opposed to a bore (snore) or a boar (oink oink) is an unmannerly person.

It's different from an annoying person in that you usually find boors in polite grown-up situations and annoying people can be anywhere.

So I joined another LFG on Klaudia this morning, who just hit 70. She's in heirloom gear and scattered blues and greens, and she gets thrown into Utgarde Keep 100% of the time at this level.

She got in a group with all heirloom alts, except for the rogue.

Hammer of Justice, or "105 Day Suspension for Being Hit Capped?"

A guildie posted this in our forums. Don't know if it's made the rounds yet or not, but just in case it hasn't I thought I'd share. It's from funnyexam.com, which is Not Safe For Work.

Kahi was running around yelling "Seal of Command fades, I cast Seal of Command, I cast Holy Shock. He then punched a boy in the mouth and yelled "Hammer of Justice."

If it was my kid I'd hug him for his brilliant spell usage before grounding him for irl hitting someone. Seriously. I wouldn't be able to stop laughing if my child did this. The school administrators would think I was a horrible mother, but I would not be able to keep a straight face.

A E I O U, or "Brewfest Grammar Police"

Me: Is anyone else disturbed by that murderer of the English language? ...hic!
Brother: what are you referring to?
Guildie: no ur just drunk
Me: Guild name "Trolling Is A Art."
Brother: is he... a troll?
Me: Yes. But he used "a" instead of "an." He's a monster!
Brother: Sorry... is he AN troll?
Me: Hiss.
Brother: Their their, Beth, it's okay.
Me: /CRY

I don't mind internet shorthand, don't get me wrong. I correct people when they misspell stuff, but I don't insist everyone type stuff out in properly-formed sentences.

But such a blatant grammatical mistake in your own guild name?

/flails of horror

Where You Belong, or "Husband Makes Me Laugh"

Three weeks ago, I decided it was time for a gear audit. We were trying to down Kael'thas and the ranged woman wasn't going down fast enough with just me on her, so I decided to do something about it.

Those of you who've been reading for a while know that my husband and I compliment each other with our WoW styles. He's into learning about his characters, what they can do, and all the spells and gear and glyphs and enchants available to them.

I'm into looking pretty.

So he tells me how to gear my character and I help him with his color coordination.

Sometimes my lack of interest in getting new gear can verge into the silly. When I asked him to help me on my gear audit and gave him a list of my squirreled-away currency (honor, badges, etc), he found me about 3 major buyable upgrades and we had the following conversation:

[Husband stirring coffee in the kitchen and informing me of upgrades while I lean against the doorway. He's already bemoaned my lack of purchasing skills and has just told me which legs to buy.]

Him: You also have enough Emblems of Valor you've been sitting on for a month that will give a cloak upgrade.

Me: Go me!

Him: Yes. Go. Go to Fail Land. Because that's where you belong.

[At this point, I was too busy laughing to finish the conversation, so he sent me an email with the rest of my upgrades.]

Healing in PVP, or "I Like Healing Unkillable People"

I healed in arenas for a bit. The other team identifies you and you get a HoT or two off before they kill you.

I quit arenas pretty soon after we started (it was the waiting for our games to pop as much as the games themselves) and started healing battlegrounds.

Which is the funnest thing ever.

My favorite part is that you can stay in the back and if your dps is good enough, they'll keep the other team so busy trying to survive, they won't even notice you.

I went to a WSG with a prot warrior friend who tanks raids for our guild, and we more or less two-manned that game. Our team kept them a bit busy, but he ran the flag and I healed the 5% of health he lost every now and then, and we were unstoppable.

I went into an Eye of the Storm this morning and had two really great unstoppable dps that I just followed around healing. They could not die even with five people on them, as long as I kept something coming.

I used bg chat to roll around in the happy a moment: "I like healing unkillable people."

Another person replied: "You should heal us killable people too." (Paraphrased from the gibberish it actually was.)

It bummed me a bit, because I had been. I heal anyone in my range who needs it, regardless of gear or level.

Things I've learned from healing battlegrounds:

• Grid is as amazing as everyone says it is.
• People like to leave healers on defense alone, where they can't heal anyone and can't defend anything.
• Going in with at least 1 dps who will make an effort to stay near you can win you the game.
• It can be therapeutic to yell "Don't you hurt my honey!" in Vent while you heal your injured spouse to full.
• If you accept a bg invite while in an instance, it ports you to the nearest graveyard when you get out.
• If you're traveling in flight form when you enter, you'll still be in the air when you get out -- but you won't be in flight form.
• Certain times of day are better than others.
• A healer in the right place at the right time can turn the tide of a battle.
• Some things, you can't outheal. Like stupid. Or their entire team.
• When you are trying to outheal another healer, and you're evenly matched, the one who wins is the one whose dps realizes they shouldn't be attacking the other dps. They should be attacking the healer.
• Defense is boring. Winning is fun.
• Rotating defensive positions between several people keeps individuals from rebelling and leaving something completely undefended.
• Getting PUGs to coordinate is painful. Getting a premade to coordinate is delightful.
• Playing defense can be fun with a friend.
• The more you can be aware of what everyone is doing around you, the smarter your play will be.
  
• Stealthers can retake or defend positions more cleverly than anyone else.
• Taking the time to open and study your map in an unfamiliar battleground is better than following others with no clue where you are or where you should be.
• One healer is good. Two is great. But a team of only healers loses.
  
• Staying in stealth until people need heals makes me giggle.
  

And so on and so forth.

Hi!, or "Open Letter To Zuluhed Alliance"

If I see you around and you're way lower than me, and I kill you, it's because I hate your guild. Switching tags will fix this.

If you think your level 22 bow and arrow can put a single dent in my armor's durability, please feel free to shoot me with it. But I reserve the right to return the favor.

I'll buy your Argent Tournament pets for 1,000g on the neutral AH. Anything much over that is ridiculous. (My friends need them too, so feel free to keep listing.)

I realize that members of my fellow horde can be massive jerks and that even some of my friends like to mess with you. I don't. I will leave you alone if you'll leave me alone.

I have friends. If you insist on making trouble in daily zones or even lowbie zones where someone's girlfriend is questing, depending on how many people are on, our guild will enjoy PVP all over your corpse.

If someone attacks you and you're fighting back for your life, and I come along and help your foe, I'm sorry. I have to default assume you attacked first and protect myself from being attacked second.

We hate some horde as much as you hate them. Please feel free to gank any of our trolls from the official forums, such as unrepentant ninjas like Billpaxton. If you have an Alliance hitlist you'd like us to look at, I'll pass it to my guild.

I hate world PVP. This does not mean I'm a pacifist. If I can't defend myself, I'll call friends or log off. If I can, I'll wear your entrails as a hat for an hour.

A /smile when you could have ganked me will make me put you on my nicelist. This doesn't stop my PVP-happy friends from bothering you, but it does mean I'll yell at them for it.

I understand PVP when there's a mining node, awesome herb, or rare mob that we're vying over. I won't hold this against you and expect the same consideration.

Vying for stuff does not extend to fishing pools for me. L2Share.

Ganking me does not actually ruin my day. It just means I switch to Sims 3 for a while and play with cute hairstyles.

If my friends hurt you (or keep sheeping you and giggling), sorry. I swear they're actually really nice.

If you show me your pets, I'll show you mine. Same goes for dresses if we're near a bank.

If you're a rare race/gender/class combo and I need you for the holidays, and I end up /hugging you about 40 times when I find you, I'll remember you fondly forever. (Thinking of you, Manna, sweetie.)

If you have a name like Xxlegolassxx, I won't regret seeing you dead. I just won't.

If you and your friends are hanging out and I have to get past, I may drop in and fear you all. This is merely a defensive maneuver and won't hurt you, so please don't death grip me back.

I'm a cute and harmless girl. I'll make adorable sadfaces if you hurt me.

Signed,
Dustfire
In Vino Veritas

Your Own NPC, or "Another Fun Creative Game"

We've seen people who contribute to the community sometimes get nods in game from Blizz. If you had the honor of your own NPC, which character would you want it to be and what would they do?

I think if Blizz decided my poor lil ravings deserved something, and they didn't want it to be a phoenix mount (*grumble*), I'd want them to make Dustfire an NPC in a sexy dress who gives out a bunch of really bitchy dailies.


Birdfall wouldn't be quite as fun as an NPC (she's too serious) but might appreciate being set up as one of those "just for ambiance" NPCs -- like stuck in an eternal loop of trying to talk her drunk sister off a table or cleaning her knives in a dark corner. Either way, she'd want to be somewhere people didn't frequent often, like a useless corner of Darnassus or the inn of Menethil Harbor, because unlike Dustfire, Birdfall hates attention.

What about your characters?

AFK: Facepalming, or "Can I Join YOUR Guild?"

Manasap: sitie hi
Manasap: can i join ur guild?
Sitie: No.
Manasap: why not?
Sitie: Because you're a 58 DK.
Manasap: whats rong with that?
Sitie: Means you need to delete your toon and go back to the server you came from.
Manasap: oh wow.... w/e

[Here I screenshot the above and tab out of my mage Klaudia to start a post about mean people who are rude to poor innocent morons who don't know any better. Then I tab back in and see...]

Manasap: hi klaudia

[This startles me into laughing and I give up the post about mean people being rude to poor innocent morons.]

Ember Wars, or "How to Win Over Jerkfaces"

So I'm on Birdfall and I've been trying to get the WG quests done once a week because there's a mount and I want the collection achievements on her and my husband wants me to buy a nice heirloom piece for my 23 warrior, yadda yadda.

Birdy sucks at PVP. I mean, I do all the right moves, but her gear makes her pop like a bubble.

I'm okay with this. After having to level a priest and druid through a PVP server and progress them through the hellish muck of endgame PVP in BC and Wrath... Yeah. I've learned how to stay calm when I spend more time in the graveyard than on the field.

After the WG, I decide to do the quest where you have to get 10 fire elemental embers. It's like 1 off the little ones, 2 off the big ones, 5 off opposing players. I have to deal with the little ones because we don't control the area, but that's okay.

I'm killing, killing, I see a horde shaman and (to let him know I'm friendly) help him kill his little mob and then run back to pick another one up for myself (at a safe distance). I kill two little mobs and pick up a third closer to the shaman, thinking he won't hurt me if he hasn't tried yet.

*sigh*

He jogs over, starts a spell, and I think "If you're about to do what I think you're doing--YOU JERK!"

I contemplate my situation at the graveyard and on the ride back.

Teo Anecdote, or "My Guild Leader is Too Good at Everything"

He's the one who got the sea turtle first in our guild, and this is his ridiculous pet collection. He won our guildwide PVP tourney on a disc priest. He has perfect pitch. I want to babynap his daughter. He's tall, thin, and Asian. He takes beautiful photos of his wife and kids. When he grows facial hair, I almost wish I was male so I could copycat because it's that awesome. Oh, and he's a nice person and effective leader.

Hate him yet?

Today's Anecdote is from Teo, written by Teo, experienced by Teo:

"So, I was chowing down on some of my favorite chips ever: Trader Joe's Salt and Pepper chips, and trying to get my tournament dailies done at the same time (I know, lethal combination - you will never know true desperation until you have to decide between food and WoW).

I'm pretty sure that the people around me watching me probably were thinking "LAWL FAILRET FROM ALT VINO VERITAS THEIR TERRIBAD", and deservedly so - I, after all, value a clean keyboard over eDignity. You see, one clean pinky finger on an otherwise dirty set of hands can mean the difference between playing and not playing for a clean freak like me.

So anyway, I'm killing 15 scourge, 5 at a time, and those skeletons are pretty much laying the smack down on me as my pinky does its work, when...

Purelegacy (or was it Darklegacy, or Darkvasectomy or Purelobotomy?? I can't say for sure!), prot warrior class hero and night elf female extraordinaire, comes charging at me.

Seeing as how I'd just finished the daily, and how my hunger was firmly in control, for the first ten seconds, an overwhelming apathy kicks in. I actually go to get another chip, and I think even turn around to see what my wife's doing with my iPhone on the couch. Returning to my screen, I notice that I'm not dead. Naturally, I presume it's because this PROt warrior is waiting to spell reflect my clutch hammer of justice.

But upon closer inspection, I realize I'm not dead because this warrior isn't killing me. I started to panic: if I didn't die soon, all this time spent in glorious PvP would be wasted... my efforts to die quickly, rez quietly and fly away would come to naught. So I take matters into my own hands, or, rather, my own pinky.

I right click on her to auto-attack, then go for the oh-so-important Pinky Judgement. I follow up swiftly with Pinky Crusader Strike, then Divine Pinky Storm. The warrior is starting to feel the tide of battle turn. She runs away from me. Here I make a mistake only someone eating chips can make: I start to cast Holy Pinky Light rather than chase after her.

Her intercept promptly puts an end to my attempts to cheese our epic battle. Undeterred, I continue to use my Pinky DPS rotation. I'm about to move my mouse to click Divine Pinky Shield (simultaneously praying that this warrior had forgotten to train Shattering Throw) when I realize the warrior has succumbed to the pink.

Breathing a sigh of relief, I mouse-click my mount button and auto-run towards the daily quest giver. Licking the salt off my fingers, I cherished the taste of victory. Knowing who the true champion was though, I give my pinky a gentle kiss... then went to wash my hands."

Impress Me, or "80s Make Girls Hot, Wut?"

[waiting for Naxx 25 to start]

Female Guildmate: Why am I getting random tells from a 24 hunter saying "hey babe"?

Male Guildmate 1: He likes you?

Thellys: Because you made the mistake of being female, and letting people KNOW you're female.

Female Guildmate: He's 24. He just asked if I want to date. Maybe I should take him up on it. Ooh, he has 6 level 80s. I'm sold!

Me: Oooh! Charming.

Male Guildmate 2: Thellys has 7.

Me: According to this logic, I need to leave Shenn for Thellys. Why do guys think lots of 80s impress women?

Thellys: Guys believe, stupidly, that the things that impress them would also impress girls.

Me: Oooooh!

Whiny Fun, or "Have I Ever Featured a WoW Insider Comment Before?"

Original post by Scott Andrews starts, in summary, that the hardcores are accusing the new raid lockout feature as Blizzard pandering to casuals while casuals assume it's Blizzard pandering to hardcores.

Commenter Waco:

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWW BLIZZARD IS GIVING US TOO MUCH CONTENT AND TOO MANY OPTIONS

I REMEMBER THE GOOD OLD DAYS WHEN I HAD TO FARM A YEAR STRAIGHT FOR A THORIUM BAR UPHILL IN THE SNOW BOTH WAYS WITH NO MOUNT BECAUSE I WAS 50000G SHORT JUST TO MAKE A COUPLE SILVER FOR SOME MOONBERRY JUICE! YOU KIDS THESE DAYS!

Another commenter chastised him for refusing to be serious, but really, how serious do you need to be about a situation that's so ironic? Both sides accusing each other of being Blizzard's favorite? Waco's joke is classic.

Here's Your Kitty, or "The Perks of a Family Guild"

Six in the morning, the phone rings. We ignore it. Two minutes later, it rings again. Husband rolls out of bed and heads into the next room.

I hear him go "Oh, okay" and worry it's something about my dad, who's been having trouble with his diabetes. I wait for husband to come into the bedroom and tell me Dad had to be rushed to the hospital.

The office door opens and shuts with a squeak.

I wait for it to open again, but it doesn't, so I go to find out. Husband is fiddling with wires behind his new computer.

"Honey?" I ask, nervous.

"That was Z. He found my cat."

I turn to make sure our cat is still behind me, and Tiger looks as sleepily befuddled as I feel. Z is my brother-in-law-in-law and lives six states away.

"The spirit beast," husband clarifies.

My eyes get big and my mouth goes "Oh." I'm too tired to feel silly for thinking Z wanted to give us a real cat.

"You can go back to sleep."

I go back to bed, but sleep takes a few minutes because it fights with my excitement to know if husband gets Loque'nahak or not.

I wake up at 9 and hit the snooze four times. I get up at 10, kiss sleeping husband's forehead, and ask "Did you get your cat?"

Husband rolls over and smiles. "Yes."

Thank you, Z.

Tales of Begging, or "Give Me Gold or I'll Make Fun of Your Arena Rating"

I post these things because I'm always surprised they happen. I know by now that such people exist, but it's always a little bit of a shock.

Anyway, basic story is I'm gaining TB rep in Mulgore and a level 3 wants 1g to learn his "moves" (which confused the crap out of me at first -- who calls training "moves"?). You need maybe a few copper, maybe a handful of silver to learn skills that low. You get the cash for it while doing the quests.

He said he had a high level character that could pay me back. Obviously, if his alt has that much money he doesn't need any from me.

So, to avoid getting screwed over by a complete stranger, and because I'm a huge believer in Do It Yourself, I said no and recommended he run to the next town and have his alt send him cash. That is what I do. It is not an unreasonable suggestion.

Then he starts making fun of my arena ratings.

Which makes me really regret not giving him the money. Obviously.

The funny thing is, he made fun of my ratings when Dusty isn't on an arena team. Plum is. And Plum goes to WG more than she does arenas, so her rating sucks. And . . . I don't really care. XD In fact, Dusty has more accomplishments than Plum but he stuck to PVP achievements, not PVE.

Anyway. I thought it was weird and psychotic and thus worth sharing.

The Professional, or "Handling Day-to-Day Gemcutting"

So I'm in Dalaran by the horde bank, hanging out with my new gruntling, feeding him pet food and thinking up other mean things to do to him, and the following scene plays out behind me. I gathered from their different guild names, the chat log, and the fact that Athrasie did the crafting animation at one point, that they were strangers conducting a gemcutting transaction.


They part ways. Fin.

Battle for Undercity, or "Devolving A Great Scene Into My Own Agenda"