I'm pissed that I never got a Sorry. That I just got "What's done is done" and "We did what we had to" and nobody ever stopped to think "I dunno, maybe she's upset for something real and isn't just being a hormonal bitch."
It kept coming back in flashes. And I kept repressing. And now it's out and I don't see how I can put it back or approach anyone from that travesty without insulting them.
My guild leader is planning to mediate once my hormones are back in balance (we both agreed on that point), but I still don't know what to say.
- "I was hurt when you kept justifying your actions instead of acknowledging my feelings."
- "I hate that you made me feel insecure for perfectly natural anger."
- "I'm pissed off that I was the only one who got hurt and everyone was too busy putting it behind them to recognize my pain."
- "I wanted to gquit but I'm not a petulant child and realized that wasn't the answer."
- "You tiptoed around members who burst into drama and gquits and huffs, but you trampled my authority as recruitment officer without a second thought."
- "You took away my power, authority, and pride. You disgraced me and overruled me and you didn't even notice."
- "I hate the fact everyone else walked away placated and forgot it ever happened."
- "I hate that my continued dissatisfaction with how things went down will be seen as an emo bitchy rant from someone who can't let go of the past."
- "I hate that I can't respect the people who started this because they failed to handle their personal problems privately."
- "I hate that I stopped trying to stand up for myself."
- "I hate that you didn't respect my officer position enough to consult me."
- "I hate that you didn't tell everyone to calm down and wait and let us sort the situation out properly, but you had plenty of words to try and calm me down afterward."
- "I hate that you made me look like a fool in front of a man who patronized me and a kid who turned out to be a vile person."
- "I hate that you might see me as a problem instead of a victim."
- "I hate that when I do talk to you about this, I'll never remember everything I want to say."
- "I hate that one of you is so used to letting anger roll off his back, my distress won't register."
- "I hate that the people causing problems got more consideration than I as an officer did."
- "I hate wondering if you would have treated a man the same way."
- "I hate knowing I'm the only officer whose decisions have been publicly overturned -- and that it happened without a proper discussion or vote or chance to defend my position."
- "I hate that I want to make you hurt like I hurt."
Yeah, I think they told her that can't happen again (God, I love the changes that have been made since my tenure). IVV typically gives people a second chance but not a third, and emo gquits do use up your first chance (because it's petty and controlling). This wasn't the case back when everything went to hell and I got mad, so I'm happy with my guild's current state. I think the official line is "You can't come back until you work out the differences that made you leave."
But I still have issues to work out, without a gquit, and guild leader is going to help. I really need to calm down first, though. I got triggered this evening by a guildie mentioning someone involved (the bratty kid applicant who gquit after 2 weeks of "Do stuff for me" and then badmouthed our guild to everyone). And I've just been going off in my head all night while sobbing my eyes out. Can't sleep at all.
See, I'm not a confrontational woman. Confrontation and anger make me cry. But remembering what happened makes me so furious, I actually relish the thought of cursing everyone involved and insulting the crap out of them. And I need to get past that if I'm going to resolve any of this, because it's not helpful at all. The only thing that keeps setting me back off is the thought that the other officers involved might act like they did then -- it was no big deal, it had to be done, why won't you just get over it so we can all be happy?
And I want to grind their faces into the dirt.
So maybe when I stop having violent fantasies, I'll be ready to chat. Maybe. To a few of them.
Cross your fingers for me?