Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Unresolved, or "Bottling Things Up Eventually Goes Boom"

I wrote about the dangers of not talking things out, and I'm feeling the effects of a similar situation. Yeah, I'm PMSing, but every now and then I'm reminded of how pissed and hurt I was when I got backstabbed by my fellow officers (back when I was one), and even though it's been a year I still want to yell and scream and hurt someone. Not because of what happened, or even so much how it was handled --

I'm pissed that I never got a Sorry. That I just got "What's done is done" and "We did what we had to" and nobody ever stopped to think "I dunno, maybe she's upset for something real and isn't just being a hormonal bitch."

It kept coming back in flashes. And I kept repressing. And now it's out and I don't see how I can put it back or approach anyone from that travesty without insulting them.

My guild leader is planning to mediate once my hormones are back in balance (we both agreed on that point), but I still don't know what to say.
  • "I was hurt when you kept justifying your actions instead of acknowledging my feelings."
  • "I hate that you made me feel insecure for perfectly natural anger."
  • "I'm pissed off that I was the only one who got hurt and everyone was too busy putting it behind them to recognize my pain."
  • "I wanted to gquit but I'm not a petulant child and realized that wasn't the answer."
  • "You tiptoed around members who burst into drama and gquits and huffs, but you trampled my authority as recruitment officer without a second thought."
  • "You took away my power, authority, and pride. You disgraced me and overruled me and you didn't even notice."
  • "I hate the fact everyone else walked away placated and forgot it ever happened."
  • "I hate that my continued dissatisfaction with how things went down will be seen as an emo bitchy rant from someone who can't let go of the past."
  • "I hate that I can't respect the people who started this because they failed to handle their personal problems privately."
  • "I hate that I stopped trying to stand up for myself."
  • "I hate that you didn't respect my officer position enough to consult me."
  • "I hate that you didn't tell everyone to calm down and wait and let us sort the situation out properly, but you had plenty of words to try and calm me down afterward."
  • "I hate that you made me look like a fool in front of a man who patronized me and a kid who turned out to be a vile person."
  • "I hate that you might see me as a problem instead of a victim."
  • "I hate that when I do talk to you about this, I'll never remember everything I want to say."
  • "I hate that one of you is so used to letting anger roll off his back, my distress won't register."
  • "I hate that the people causing problems got more consideration than I as an officer did."
  • "I hate wondering if you would have treated a man the same way."
  • "I hate knowing I'm the only officer whose decisions have been publicly overturned -- and that it happened without a proper discussion or vote or chance to defend my position."
  • "I hate that I want to make you hurt like I hurt."
I'm pretty hormonal and this is an outlet, and I've wanted for a very long time to just dump it all on my guild, get mass support and march waving my anger as a banner. The only thing stopping me is stupid nagging common sense. I put every ounce of my willpower into denying myself the (temporary) relief of unnecessary drama and probably even gquits from some of the people involved -- because, of course, several are the types who do gquit when things upset them. Of the three original people who started the mess (the family members), all three have gquit once. One of those gquits was what started the events that made me so angry, but the brother and sister had separate emo-gquits and the brother (officer) never came back after his. The sister just used hers to make a point in gchat that "X person has upset me!"

Yeah, I think they told her that can't happen again (God, I love the changes that have been made since my tenure). IVV typically gives people a second chance but not a third, and emo gquits do use up your first chance (because it's petty and controlling). This wasn't the case back when everything went to hell and I got mad, so I'm happy with my guild's current state. I think the official line is "You can't come back until you work out the differences that made you leave."

But I still have issues to work out, without a gquit, and guild leader is going to help. I really need to calm down first, though. I got triggered this evening by a guildie mentioning someone involved (the bratty kid applicant who gquit after 2 weeks of "Do stuff for me" and then badmouthed our guild to everyone). And I've just been going off in my head all night while sobbing my eyes out. Can't sleep at all.

See, I'm not a confrontational woman. Confrontation and anger make me cry. But remembering what happened makes me so furious, I actually relish the thought of cursing everyone involved and insulting the crap out of them. And I need to get past that if I'm going to resolve any of this, because it's not helpful at all. The only thing that keeps setting me back off is the thought that the other officers involved might act like they did then -- it was no big deal, it had to be done, why won't you just get over it so we can all be happy?

And I want to grind their faces into the dirt.

So maybe when I stop having violent fantasies, I'll be ready to chat. Maybe. To a few of them.

Cross your fingers for me?


  1. I've got a friend who, over the years of playing, has gradually convinced more & more of his family to play. When I met him it was just he & a brother on a 2v2 team. The other day he was telling me how he, two brothers and his parents all stormed Arathi Basin and had a blast. I mean, he obviously and sincerely enjoys playing with them.

    He's also quit the game several times. He's come back each time so far, but I guess the point is that playing with family can be stressful. Whether it's due to game content, competition or guild responsibilities. Or geez, sometimes dealing with family is stressful, period. Regardless of whether the context is in-game or IRL. Family is a funny construct.

  2. Oh my, so much anger and hurt. *hugs*

    I think Jack is right about the whole playing with family thing. The problem in this situation is that there's a disconnect between the whole "it's just a game" and the fact that you're playing the game with people (not just family, rl friends and in-game friends fall into this category too!!) that *should* be more considerate. That whole original situation was a big mess that could have been avoided in many different ways as you pointed out.

    But sweetie, the person you're really hurting right now, by holding on to the anger and hurt, is yourself. I have been in similar situations, and my play time is spent very differently now than it was 1/2 year ago because of it, but I can't even imagine what I'd be doing if I hadn't let the anger go... Everything is a learning experience, right? So you learned that sometimes people we trust hurt us anyway. It sounds harsh, but I mean it in the sincerest, most caring way possible; I hope it taught you to build stronger defenses.

    As for your conversation with the GL and the whole mediation thing, if you don't know what to say, I think that list you made is a great starting point. You were hurt for very valid reasons, and by remaining calm and explaining that, hopefully you will be able to finally get your apology.

  3. I totally understand your feelings of rage: the people who started this (the applicant and his friend who left when you didn't buy the application right away) are surely to blame in part. But i think your fellow officers involved are really responsible for the long-term situation by negating your decision.

    At least that's what I read in your story: mostly you seem disappointed and hurt that they just stepped over you without even thinking. Their arguments probably were something along the lines of "it's just a game, let this noob play in our guild - as long as no one leaves everything will be alright". They didn't even stop to think about your feelings, i'm pretty sure they didn't want to ignore you and your position - but that's what they did.

    And being angry and hurt even after a few weeks or months is your right - although as you know perfectly well it doesn't help you one bit. You don't even want to talk about it with the people involved, and seem all emotional and petulant.

    I still hope you can finally resolve this situation, without having to swallow down your feelings. I hope "the other officers" can be lead to understand you, and not just dismiss your reaction as "too emotional". Good luck and hang in there!

  4. Thanks, guys. I'm a bit calmer today. Tired and hormonal don't mix well. >.<

    I don't blame the people who started the mess, though I do get mad at them. They were never told what happened or that I wasn't okay with the whole thing. I think they could have prevented everything by handling it themselves, but they aren't responsible for what ultimately hurt my feelings.

    Of the three other officers, I know one will be easy to talk to as he's a good friend. Another might be easy to talk to after my brother explains he needs to take it seriously (he never takes angry people seriously, because of his mom). The third should be okay if I don't put him on the defensive -- he's older and mature enough to listen.

    I think once we talk, I should be fine. I just need it resolved.

    I totally agree that dwelling hurts me. It's one of my biggest flaws -- I still dwell on embarrassing moments from high school. I don't try to do this, stuff just pops into my head and I start thinking and thinking and . . . thinking. Sometimes I'm smart enough to go to husband and say "Want to watch something? I'm dwelling and need a distraction." And he sighs and says yes. (There's nothing he can do when I start, and I usually end up crying while he sits helplessly.)

    The best cure I've found is to write my dwells down on my personal/professional blog, and I tend to stop dwelling once I have them out.

    I actually wrote something similar to what you guys are saying about dwelling on some writing teachers. I think that post stopped me hurting myself with their memory. Now I mostly use them as a reason to get published (to show them up), and though I'm still haunted by them sometimes, I try to be rational about it.

  5. It is not wrong to be angry when you have been abused.

    It is wrong to be angry at the person who has been abused when they protest that abuse.

    Yet, the common pattern is to be angry at the person rocking the boat. Don't feel guilty for still being angry. You have every right to still be upset.

    That said, don't bring angry mobs and pitchforks. They will want to blame you for being upset, and being in control of yourself and the discussion will minimize their ability to do so. Screaming at them would be terribly satisfying, but I don't think it will bring you closure.

    Good luck!

    (and you might look at http://fallingleavesandwings.wordpress.com/2009/11/03/on-respect/ ) I think I'm going to sticky it for myself

  6. Very good link, I like it. :) She has useful, constructive tips.

  7. Oh wow Birdfall, this could have been me several years back. *hugs* Stick to your guns. You have a right to feel this way, and that has nothing to do with hormones...hormones are what guys say when they want to disregard anything we say or do.

  8. Oh I know exactly how you feel. You just want so badly for the other person/people to really hear you and UNDERSTAND how you are feeling and their part in how you feel. Unfortunately it rarely works out how you wish. Hopefully you will find a good resolution so you can make peace with it!

  9. Officer Friend 1: Situation Resolved


  10. Officers 2, 3, & 4: Situation Resolved




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